"You're surrounded, come out with your hands blinged out and cradling a baby."

I guess it's the age I am.

24

But it seems like a large portion of the people I know that are in or around the area of my age are either hitched or hitched and preggers.

I am not either of those things but I have to admit that I do THINK about those things. And I didn't for a long time. And while thinking about the silhouette of my future wedding dress and an appropriate family name for a future child are fun (and for some reason suddenly not overwhelming), if I close my eyes and place myself in this "Married with Children" life, I feel confused.

Probably because it doesn't work with my life right now. I was always confused when people said "There are so many things i want to accomplish before I get married/have kids" because I thought 'why not accomplish them while married with kids?' but now I feel like I get it.

It's not that everything is impossible when you're married and have kids, it's just that it takes a little longer and a lot more money.

I still hold on to this idea that at some point in my late 20's I'll be a little more self actualized than I am right now. Maybe not totally, but just less confused than i am right now. I have a lot of ideas about who I am supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing for a living and for my community but it needs to be a little more clearer before i can settle down.

So I feel like I'm on the other side of the rope right now, that there is this group of people i know that have ducked under this rope and have a new frame of mind and a different way of looking at life and thinking about themselves. Children do this more than marriage does i think, although marriage effects your mind set too, or so I'm told.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it makes me feel weird. I love looking at your babies and your wedding photo's but i don't want that life yet.

I want to get an amazing career off the ground, i want to travel a lot more, I want to give of myself to the community and to my creativity as much as possible with out having to focus on a little person.

So for now I suppose i'll just put my blinders up and try not to feel pressured into going about things in a way that I'm not ready for.

Then again I always told myself that i would NEVER live with a guy until (or right before) we got married...life goes how it wants to.

When I feel like I don't need you

I'll be going to church in a little while.

I didn't always think that you didn't have to feel the presence of God in order to fully experience and follow him. That would be quite a difficult thing for me to do as I battle bouts of anxiety and depression, things that make you feel rather empty and alone. No, I realized in high school that even when you don't feel like he's there he still is. whether you like it or not. Even when you don't feel like you need him, you do.

The past two years since I left North Park with out having finished my degree (which I have since finished) have been a struggle, financially, emotionally, but never spiritually. It seems that when I'm in the most trouble that's when i feel the most taken care of, that's when I feel the most blessed. Because despite all my best efforts, I'm surrounded by people that want to help and care for me and about me deeply, what a blessing! And When I was living in France and I was alone and not surrounded by anyone i knew or loved, I was with God and I felt closer to him than I ever had.

Now I live with Ryan, I get a pretty good pay check every week and I am surrounded by good friends constantly. I'm almost never alone or with out the things that I want/need. And I feel less of a need for God in my life. It's not that the desire is completely gone, mentally I know I still need him. It's a tricky thing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that being comfortable isn't great for your spiritual life, at least not mine. But I need to find a way to have both in my life, stability and spirituality, because i'm not going to be twenty something forever.

so

I'm going to church in a little while, like I try to do every weekend. I continue to boldly be a part of my community through Berry UMC and through the various childcare I do for it's members.

He's still there though.